Happy news!
Today, I had a fresh new start. I woke up later than I would have liked, but I felt rested. I had a yummy breakfast of eggs, toast and avocado, plenty of coffee, and then allowed myself to digest. After, I did my new favorite workout: blasting dance music and doing a 30-minute non-stop combo of dancing, kickboxing and weightlifting. It felt amazing to sweat and move to high-energy music.
After showering, I made myself a tasty smoothie with chocolate protein powder, 1/2 banana, milk, ice and plain yogurt. Later I had a package of BelVita cookies. They're tasty, but certainly not health food, in my opinion! I had a great day at work, it was super busy, and I felt energetic. I made more tips than ever. Then, once I got home, I made my new favorite dinner of stir-fried ground turkey, egg whites, broccoli, onion, soy sauce, ginger, chili... all over rice. Dessert: an orange and a craft beer :)
Delicious day overall. Life is good.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
*WARNING, could be triggering*
As anyone who has ever suffered from an eating disorder knows, it's never completely "behind you". It lies in wait for when you have a weak moment. It's just a fact.
Now, we can see this in two ways. The negative view finds this to be depressing. The positive (and correct!) view finds this to be empowering. Why? How can the knowledge that an ED cannot disappear forever be, at all, positive?
Simple. You are past the stage that you pretend the ED doesn't exist, isn't as bad as it really is, or that you don't really know how it works. You know how that shit works. If you have suffered from an ED and have been lucky enough to break it's cycle (Me! Me!) and enter a sort of "remission", you know what most of your triggers are. For me, they are letting myself ruminate over "problems" (half of the time these are made up or exaggerated in my mind), isolating myself, not getting dressed/exercised/showered until late in the day, eating mindlessly in front of the TV or computer, worrying inordinately about the future, and so on.
Now, guns are really only dangerous when they are loaded. So all of these triggers are pretty harmless without ammo, in the bulimic's case, food. Of course, for the bulimic in an attack, nearly anything can become a binge food, unfortunately. I'm past that point now, luckily, but I still have some bad behaviors that really foster ED behavior. Today is a great example.
I bought 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies not too long ago. It was on March 3, to be exact. I was saving them. For what I don't know. But I was saving them in my room, where no one could see them. Hidden. I wouldn't be accountable to anyone or for anything if they were to disappear. And two of them did this morning, and I tried to cough it all up into the toilet.
I've been having some setbacks lately, and it's always with hidden food. The shame I feel about binging is enough to keep me from binging on "communal" foods these days (sometimes it didn't in the past). Not only because of shame, but also because I can objectively rationalize with myself that that food is for everyone so I can't eat it all and throw it up. That gets expensive. Something that didn't seem to stop me when I was bulimic but thankfully stops me now.
Now I feel like crap. I've showered, so that's nice, and I'm not going to lie, throwing up made me feel less bloated and more comfortable. But I hate that I let myself scarf down cookies to the point that they were no longer enjoyable, just like in the past, and for reasons unknown. Well, not completely unknown; mostly I was stressing about the future again.
I'm going to try to relax before work now. No running, no workout. I don't like to barf and then stress my heart, that feels like a recipe for disaster (or just heart attack). I feel like napping, I may let myself do that.
Be kind to yourself today.
As anyone who has ever suffered from an eating disorder knows, it's never completely "behind you". It lies in wait for when you have a weak moment. It's just a fact.
Now, we can see this in two ways. The negative view finds this to be depressing. The positive (and correct!) view finds this to be empowering. Why? How can the knowledge that an ED cannot disappear forever be, at all, positive?
Simple. You are past the stage that you pretend the ED doesn't exist, isn't as bad as it really is, or that you don't really know how it works. You know how that shit works. If you have suffered from an ED and have been lucky enough to break it's cycle (Me! Me!) and enter a sort of "remission", you know what most of your triggers are. For me, they are letting myself ruminate over "problems" (half of the time these are made up or exaggerated in my mind), isolating myself, not getting dressed/exercised/showered until late in the day, eating mindlessly in front of the TV or computer, worrying inordinately about the future, and so on.
Now, guns are really only dangerous when they are loaded. So all of these triggers are pretty harmless without ammo, in the bulimic's case, food. Of course, for the bulimic in an attack, nearly anything can become a binge food, unfortunately. I'm past that point now, luckily, but I still have some bad behaviors that really foster ED behavior. Today is a great example.
I bought 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies not too long ago. It was on March 3, to be exact. I was saving them. For what I don't know. But I was saving them in my room, where no one could see them. Hidden. I wouldn't be accountable to anyone or for anything if they were to disappear. And two of them did this morning, and I tried to cough it all up into the toilet.
I've been having some setbacks lately, and it's always with hidden food. The shame I feel about binging is enough to keep me from binging on "communal" foods these days (sometimes it didn't in the past). Not only because of shame, but also because I can objectively rationalize with myself that that food is for everyone so I can't eat it all and throw it up. That gets expensive. Something that didn't seem to stop me when I was bulimic but thankfully stops me now.
Now I feel like crap. I've showered, so that's nice, and I'm not going to lie, throwing up made me feel less bloated and more comfortable. But I hate that I let myself scarf down cookies to the point that they were no longer enjoyable, just like in the past, and for reasons unknown. Well, not completely unknown; mostly I was stressing about the future again.
I'm going to try to relax before work now. No running, no workout. I don't like to barf and then stress my heart, that feels like a recipe for disaster (or just heart attack). I feel like napping, I may let myself do that.
Be kind to yourself today.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Nov 15
Breakfast:
-Coffee
-Chocolate soy milk with low-fat cow's milk ~1 cup (150)
-Saltines (140)
-Banana (110)
Total: 400. Too light on protein.
Lunch:
-Soup ~2 cups, chicken and veggie (300?)
-Collard greens ~1 cup (150?)
-Chicken leg (100)
-Gelatin (60)
-Chocolate soy milk with LF cow's milk ~1 cup (150)
-Coffee
Total: 760. Good job on eating veggies.
Snack:
-Saltines x2 (280)
-3 Werther's (60)
-WATER
-3 animal crackers (65)
Total: 405. Caloriffic and lack of actual nutrients.
I'm not good at counting the calories in things without labels and I don't want to waste the time to look them up. I just want to get a general idea of what I'm eating because I'm feeling pudgy.Overall I see that I probably eat too much sugar and refined carbs.
It's 4 pm. Update later with more.
Edited at 5pm. I don't last long, man. Total is already 1565, and I feel like I didn't eat so much today. This means that I must normally eat at least 2500. Wow.
Dinner:
-Veggie soup ~1 cup (150?)
-Chicken back (140)
-Wet rice with cabbage (250?)
-Pineapple (50)
-Chocolate soy and LF milk ~1 cup (150)
Total: 740
So... That totals 2305. Didn't exercise today. This may not be totally accurate, since I guessed on a lot of foods. I've used SparkPeople in the past but didn't like it that much. I wonder if there's a better site out there... it would be interesting to compare my estimates to something more "accurate" (I don't fully trust them). I'm going to try FitDay.
Update: FitDay says I ate less! Not sure what to believe. Best to call it quits for tonight though.
-Coffee
-Chocolate soy milk with low-fat cow's milk ~1 cup (150)
-Saltines (140)
-Banana (110)
Total: 400. Too light on protein.
Lunch:
-Soup ~2 cups, chicken and veggie (300?)
-Collard greens ~1 cup (150?)
-Chicken leg (100)
-Gelatin (60)
-Chocolate soy milk with LF cow's milk ~1 cup (150)
-Coffee
Total: 760. Good job on eating veggies.
Snack:
-Saltines x2 (280)
-3 Werther's (60)
-WATER
-3 animal crackers (65)
Total: 405. Caloriffic and lack of actual nutrients.
I'm not good at counting the calories in things without labels and I don't want to waste the time to look them up. I just want to get a general idea of what I'm eating because I'm feeling pudgy.Overall I see that I probably eat too much sugar and refined carbs.
It's 4 pm. Update later with more.
Edited at 5pm. I don't last long, man. Total is already 1565, and I feel like I didn't eat so much today. This means that I must normally eat at least 2500. Wow.
Dinner:
-Veggie soup ~1 cup (150?)
-Chicken back (140)
-Wet rice with cabbage (250?)
-Pineapple (50)
-Chocolate soy and LF milk ~1 cup (150)
Total: 740
So... That totals 2305. Didn't exercise today. This may not be totally accurate, since I guessed on a lot of foods. I've used SparkPeople in the past but didn't like it that much. I wonder if there's a better site out there... it would be interesting to compare my estimates to something more "accurate" (I don't fully trust them). I'm going to try FitDay.
Update: FitDay says I ate less! Not sure what to believe. Best to call it quits for tonight though.
Cal
|
Fat
|
Carb
|
Prot
| ||||
Soy milk, chocolate, fluid
|
180
|
7.0
|
21.4
|
10.1
| |||
Milk, 1% fat
|
154
|
3.6
|
18.3
|
12.3
| |||
Crackers, saltines, unsalted tops (includes oyster, soda, so...
|
234
|
6.4
|
38.6
|
5.0
| |||
Banana, raw
|
105
|
0.4
|
27.0
|
1.3
| |||
Coffee
|
4
|
0.1
|
0.2
|
0.4
| |||
Chicken noodle soup, home recipe
|
127
|
2.7
|
6.9
|
17.8
| |||
Cabbage soup
|
143
|
6.1
|
16.6
|
8.1
| |||
Collards, cooked, fat added in cooking
|
74
|
3.9
|
8.4
|
3.6
| |||
Chicken, drumstick, skin not eaten
|
72
|
2.4
|
0.0
|
11.8
| |||
Chicken, back
|
381
|
26.6
|
0.0
|
32.9
| |||
Gelatin dessert
|
61
|
0.0
|
14.0
|
1.2
| |||
Butterscotch hard candy
|
70
|
0.6
|
16.3
|
0.0
| |||
Cracker, animal
|
33
|
1.0
|
5.6
|
0.5
| |||
Pineapple, raw
|
23
|
0.1
|
6.1
|
0.3
| |||
Rice, cooked
|
159
|
1.3
|
32.8
|
3.1
| |||
Total
|
1,821
|
62.0
|
211.9
|
108.5
|
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Failure
I have this problem. I tend to be optimistic when I start things, maybe too optimistic, because I can't even imagine how I might fail. Then I get further along in the project and closer to my goal and immediately begin to think of FAILURE.
I have to defend my master's thesis next Friday, and I am terrified that I am going to fail. It doesn't help that I also think that my advising professor has been playing with my mind for the past couple of months, and I don't like my thesis that much and don't want to go into academia even though the way academics seem to see things is that anything less is failure and for stupid people.
And this brings me to my other issue... it's a bit whiny on my part, so feel warned. My whole life people have told me that I'm "smart". I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well academically all the way through high school, but in college, that basically stopped. Even though I put pressure on myself, I was no longer effective under that pressure and began to fold under it, expecting to do well anyway and feeling horrible when I, unsurprisingly, performed less-than-perfectly. That's when bulimia came in. The pressure felt so great that the only way I knew how to relieve that stress was to eat and then puke. It lowered my blood pressure, which is obviously not a good thing, but that's what I was doing.
The problem was that I was expecting perfection. I still do. And when I begin to expect perfection, my best effort is no longer good enough, because the problem with seeking perfection is that your best effort will never be good enough. Once you begin to think like this, consciously or not, you will half-ass things or just not do them at all. And you will probably procrastinate. Oh, don't even get me started on procrastination!
How do we get past this? Well, I can't tell you for sure, because I'm still struggling with it. But I'm trying to just say "fuck you" to the negativity and just do "my best".
Soon I am going to be done with graduate school (FINALLY) and will be facing a life beyond school. This scares me a little bit, that I will no longer have the structure that comes with being a full-time student, but it is also incredibly EXCITING. I want to see how I perform in a different setting, I want to use some skills that I think I have inside of me that just haven't been applicable in student life. And I want to make money, I'll be honest :D
Maybe I will get a job that I feel is "beneath" me, or that other people (peers and family, oh noes) will think is beneath me. Maybe they will think that I'm stupid. Maybe they will see who I really am, because I feel like part of this whole problem is that I have a bit of an Impostor Syndrome. But you know what? I'm not a special glittery butterfly, I'm a normal fucking person, and the best that I can do is try to live my life with dignity and honesty and do my fucking best. I'm working on my self-esteem and ability to work under pressure. I will add goals as I progress in these areas.
But this is not something to stress about. I will, I repeat, WILL pass my master's examination. Then, the next step in life is to be taken with a deep breath and grace. Hell fucking yes, grace.
I have to defend my master's thesis next Friday, and I am terrified that I am going to fail. It doesn't help that I also think that my advising professor has been playing with my mind for the past couple of months, and I don't like my thesis that much and don't want to go into academia even though the way academics seem to see things is that anything less is failure and for stupid people.
And this brings me to my other issue... it's a bit whiny on my part, so feel warned. My whole life people have told me that I'm "smart". I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well academically all the way through high school, but in college, that basically stopped. Even though I put pressure on myself, I was no longer effective under that pressure and began to fold under it, expecting to do well anyway and feeling horrible when I, unsurprisingly, performed less-than-perfectly. That's when bulimia came in. The pressure felt so great that the only way I knew how to relieve that stress was to eat and then puke. It lowered my blood pressure, which is obviously not a good thing, but that's what I was doing.
The problem was that I was expecting perfection. I still do. And when I begin to expect perfection, my best effort is no longer good enough, because the problem with seeking perfection is that your best effort will never be good enough. Once you begin to think like this, consciously or not, you will half-ass things or just not do them at all. And you will probably procrastinate. Oh, don't even get me started on procrastination!
How do we get past this? Well, I can't tell you for sure, because I'm still struggling with it. But I'm trying to just say "fuck you" to the negativity and just do "my best".
Soon I am going to be done with graduate school (FINALLY) and will be facing a life beyond school. This scares me a little bit, that I will no longer have the structure that comes with being a full-time student, but it is also incredibly EXCITING. I want to see how I perform in a different setting, I want to use some skills that I think I have inside of me that just haven't been applicable in student life. And I want to make money, I'll be honest :D
Maybe I will get a job that I feel is "beneath" me, or that other people (peers and family, oh noes) will think is beneath me. Maybe they will think that I'm stupid. Maybe they will see who I really am, because I feel like part of this whole problem is that I have a bit of an Impostor Syndrome. But you know what? I'm not a special glittery butterfly, I'm a normal fucking person, and the best that I can do is try to live my life with dignity and honesty and do my fucking best. I'm working on my self-esteem and ability to work under pressure. I will add goals as I progress in these areas.
But this is not something to stress about. I will, I repeat, WILL pass my master's examination. Then, the next step in life is to be taken with a deep breath and grace. Hell fucking yes, grace.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
First Post
So... this feels awkward like a first date. The first post is just weird.
Now that we agree, I'll tell you about my day as an ice-breaker.
10: woke up.
10.20: woke up again. For good. Contemplated running. Legs felt stiff and sore, so I stretched for a good 10-15 minutes. Sat on bedroom floor.
10.50: made coffee and cereal. Installed new anti-virus. Screwed around online.
12: ran outside. Crisp fall day, absolutely worth it to get outside.
1: WATER and chocolate milk box post-run. Ice on right knee. Shower.
2.30: lunch at mall. Saw acquaintances and got stuck talking to them.
3: ate from buffet lunch.
4.30: arrived home, made coffee, installed anti-virus on second computer.
5.15: screwed around online.
7: decided to make blog.
TA DAAA!!
All of this industrious activity on a day off that I was planning on using to do some master's-related work. Some real work. I have to defend my thesis on the 18th. I am so scared of failing and looking like an idiot. I don't think that I will, but that negative image is hard to push out of my mind. Throughout this whole thesis process, I have felt so unorganized and unmotivated and uninterested, it really feels like I've been carrying 2 tons of bricks uphill in August for about 8 months. Not from actual work, per se, but from the anxiety over not doing my work or not doing it well and just not caring, and what was wrong with me for not caring. I cannot WAIT for it to be over and done with. About a month before the thing was due I was thinking of just quitting, so at least I've made it past that point. No matter how the defense goes, I can at least feel proud that I didn't QUIT (I don't think this is a good attitude to take in all situations in life, sometimes you need to know when to quit, but this was not the case. It was a do-able goal and I was too close to the end.). I can't say that I gave this project my "all", although given my ambivalent mindset about it I really tried hard.
This mindset that I sometimes get into when I am afraid of failure is really destructive; I begin to tell myself that I don't care and that I didn't do my best because I didn't care enough, so if I fail then it isn't a reflection on my best effort not being good enough, just that my mediocre effort wasn't good enough, which can basically be expected from the get-go. A funny thing is beginning to happen, though. I'm beginning to feel as though just the fact that I cannot get myself motivated about something and give it my best in spite of being motivated reflects poorly on me, in-and-of itself. The final outcome is not always the most important one; the process is just as if not more important.
Now, life is also not that forgiving of poor results, and we are often demanded to deliver, no matter by what means. I get that. But I'm realizing that, in order for me to feel good with myself, it is important for me to take care with the process of things as a whole. And if I can feel good while doing something, I'm probably going to get better results in the end.
In my ideal unicorn-puppy-flower world :)
This source isn't very "official", but this woman knows exactly what I'm trying to articulate. It's a matter of creating the right mindset when facing a task.
Now that we agree, I'll tell you about my day as an ice-breaker.
10: woke up.
10.20: woke up again. For good. Contemplated running. Legs felt stiff and sore, so I stretched for a good 10-15 minutes. Sat on bedroom floor.
10.50: made coffee and cereal. Installed new anti-virus. Screwed around online.
12: ran outside. Crisp fall day, absolutely worth it to get outside.
1: WATER and chocolate milk box post-run. Ice on right knee. Shower.
2.30: lunch at mall. Saw acquaintances and got stuck talking to them.
3: ate from buffet lunch.
4.30: arrived home, made coffee, installed anti-virus on second computer.
5.15: screwed around online.
7: decided to make blog.
TA DAAA!!
All of this industrious activity on a day off that I was planning on using to do some master's-related work. Some real work. I have to defend my thesis on the 18th. I am so scared of failing and looking like an idiot. I don't think that I will, but that negative image is hard to push out of my mind. Throughout this whole thesis process, I have felt so unorganized and unmotivated and uninterested, it really feels like I've been carrying 2 tons of bricks uphill in August for about 8 months. Not from actual work, per se, but from the anxiety over not doing my work or not doing it well and just not caring, and what was wrong with me for not caring. I cannot WAIT for it to be over and done with. About a month before the thing was due I was thinking of just quitting, so at least I've made it past that point. No matter how the defense goes, I can at least feel proud that I didn't QUIT (I don't think this is a good attitude to take in all situations in life, sometimes you need to know when to quit, but this was not the case. It was a do-able goal and I was too close to the end.). I can't say that I gave this project my "all", although given my ambivalent mindset about it I really tried hard.
This mindset that I sometimes get into when I am afraid of failure is really destructive; I begin to tell myself that I don't care and that I didn't do my best because I didn't care enough, so if I fail then it isn't a reflection on my best effort not being good enough, just that my mediocre effort wasn't good enough, which can basically be expected from the get-go. A funny thing is beginning to happen, though. I'm beginning to feel as though just the fact that I cannot get myself motivated about something and give it my best in spite of being motivated reflects poorly on me, in-and-of itself. The final outcome is not always the most important one; the process is just as if not more important.
Now, life is also not that forgiving of poor results, and we are often demanded to deliver, no matter by what means. I get that. But I'm realizing that, in order for me to feel good with myself, it is important for me to take care with the process of things as a whole. And if I can feel good while doing something, I'm probably going to get better results in the end.
In my ideal unicorn-puppy-flower world :)
This source isn't very "official", but this woman knows exactly what I'm trying to articulate. It's a matter of creating the right mindset when facing a task.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)