Failure

I have this problem. I tend to be optimistic when I start things, maybe too optimistic, because I can't even imagine how I might fail. Then I get further along in the project and closer to my goal and immediately begin to think of FAILURE.

I have to defend my master's thesis next Friday, and I am terrified that I am going to fail. It doesn't help that I also think that my advising professor has been playing with my mind for the past couple of months, and I don't like my thesis that much and don't want to go into academia even though the way academics seem to see things is that anything less is failure and for stupid people.

And this brings me to my other issue... it's a bit whiny on my part, so feel warned. My whole life people have told me that I'm "smart". I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well academically all the way through high school, but in college, that basically stopped. Even though I put pressure on myself, I was no longer effective under that pressure and began to fold under it, expecting to do well anyway and feeling horrible when I, unsurprisingly, performed less-than-perfectly. That's when bulimia came in. The pressure felt so great that the only way I knew how to relieve that stress was to eat and then puke. It lowered my blood pressure, which is obviously not a good thing, but that's what I was doing.

The problem was that I was expecting perfection. I still do. And when I begin to expect perfection, my best effort is no longer good enough, because the problem with seeking perfection is that your best effort will never be good enough. Once you begin to think like this, consciously or not, you will half-ass things or just not do them at all. And you will probably procrastinate. Oh, don't even get me started on procrastination!

How do we get past this? Well, I can't tell you for sure, because I'm still struggling with it. But I'm trying to just say "fuck you" to the negativity and just do "my best".

Soon I am going to be done with graduate school (FINALLY) and will be facing a life beyond school. This scares me a little bit, that I will no longer have the structure that comes with being a full-time student, but it is also incredibly EXCITING. I want to see how I perform in a different setting, I want to use some skills that I think I have inside of me that just haven't been applicable in student life. And I want to make money, I'll be honest :D

Maybe I will get a job that I feel is "beneath" me, or that other people (peers and family, oh noes) will think is beneath me. Maybe they will think that I'm stupid. Maybe they will see who I really am, because I feel like part of this whole problem is that I have a bit of an Impostor Syndrome. But you know what? I'm not a special glittery butterfly, I'm a normal fucking person, and the best that I can do is try to live my life with dignity and honesty and do my fucking best. I'm working on my self-esteem and ability to work under pressure. I will add goals as I progress in these areas.

But this is not something to stress about. I will, I repeat, WILL pass my master's examination. Then, the next step in life is to be taken with a deep breath and grace. Hell fucking yes, grace.