First Post

So... this feels awkward like a first date. The first post is just weird.

Now that we agree, I'll tell you about my day as an ice-breaker.

10: woke up.
10.20: woke up again. For good. Contemplated running. Legs felt stiff and sore, so I stretched for a good 10-15 minutes. Sat on bedroom floor.
10.50: made coffee and cereal. Installed new anti-virus. Screwed around online.
12: ran outside. Crisp fall day, absolutely worth it to get outside.
1: WATER and chocolate milk box post-run. Ice on right knee. Shower.
2.30: lunch at mall. Saw acquaintances and got stuck talking to them.
3: ate from buffet lunch.
4.30: arrived home, made coffee, installed anti-virus on second computer.
5.15: screwed around online.
7: decided to make blog.

TA DAAA!!

All of this industrious activity on a day off that I was planning on using to do some master's-related work. Some real work. I have to defend my thesis on the 18th. I am so scared of failing and looking like an idiot. I don't think that I will, but that negative image is hard to push out of my mind. Throughout this whole thesis process, I have felt so unorganized and unmotivated and uninterested, it really feels like I've been carrying 2 tons of bricks uphill in August for about 8 months. Not from actual work, per se, but from the anxiety over not doing my work or not doing it well and just not caring, and what was wrong with me for not caring. I cannot WAIT for it to be over and done with. About a month before the thing was due I was thinking of just quitting, so at least I've made it past that point. No matter how the defense goes, I can at least feel proud that I didn't QUIT (I don't think this is a good attitude to take in all situations in life, sometimes you need to know when to quit, but this was not the case. It was a do-able goal and I was too close to the end.). I can't say that I gave this project my "all", although given my ambivalent mindset about it I really tried hard.

This mindset that I sometimes get into when I am afraid of failure is really destructive; I begin to tell myself that I don't care and that I didn't do my best because I didn't care enough, so if I fail then it isn't a reflection on my best effort not being good enough, just that my mediocre effort wasn't good enough, which can basically be expected from the get-go. A funny thing is beginning to happen, though. I'm beginning to feel as though just the fact that I cannot get myself motivated about something and give it my best in spite of being motivated reflects poorly on me, in-and-of itself. The final outcome is not always the most important one; the process is just as if not more important.

Now, life is also not that forgiving of poor results, and we are often demanded to deliver, no matter by what means. I get that. But I'm realizing that, in order for me to feel good with myself, it is important for me to take care with the process of things as a whole. And if I can feel good while doing something, I'm probably going to get better results in the end.

In my ideal unicorn-puppy-flower world :)

This source isn't very "official", but this woman knows exactly what I'm trying to articulate. It's a matter of creating the right mindset when facing a task.